Issue Date: March 23, 2008

Red Sox Nation

With Sox fandom now a nationwide phenomenon and opening day on deck, here's a curveball for you: Our very un-official travel guide to baseball's most wicked awesome team evuh.

By Bryan Tucker

For decades, Red Sox Nation had a (justifiably) terrible reputation as a tourist getaway. It was a gloomy, miserable place that seemed to shut down every October. But in the past few years, the Nation has made a dramatic comeback. The streets are full of life again, and you can see hope in people's eyes. There's no better time to visit Red Sox Nation.

A few things to know if you're going

Packing: Be sure to bring several 2007 World Series champions T-shirts, at least one case of lukewarm Irish beer and some newfound arrogance.

Transportation: The best way to get there is to jump on the Bandwagon Bus. It departs in spring and again in October for the playoffs. If you miss the bus, you can get to Red Sox Nation by closing your eyes, clicking your heels and saying three times, "There's no place like the Monster Seats."

Language: Most Red Sox Nation citizens speak English and sound similar to us, with a few notable exceptions. For example, instead of saying "sir" or "ma'am," some use the term "ya' moron." (As in: "I'll have the cod special, ya' moron.")

Government: Red Sox Nation is a benevolent dictatorship run by Emperor Theo Epstein and his army of foot soldiers. Visitors must pledge their loyalty to Emperor Epstein upon arrival. Dissenters will be banished to nearby Yankeeland -- a large, crowded place where even the smallest habitable space costs $600,000.

Money: The standard unit of currency is the RBI. The RBI starts at the smallest denomination of 1 (the "Rookie") and goes up to 2,000 (the "Ted Williams"). All goods and services must be bought in RBIs. For example, a Fenway Frank costs 5 RBIs, while an imported Japanese pitcher might cost more than 50 million.

Accommodations
There are dozens of places to stay in Red Sox Nation, depending on your budget. For those who insist on luxury, there is the Terry Francona Grand, a five-star 40-story complex where you can have anything you want for the right price. The Francona Grand, named for the Sox manager, was built in 2004 with a half-million dollars and a bit of faith.

The adventurous might look into Chez Manny. Many citizens praise this eccentric but reliable hotel. Chez Manny prides itself on surprises -- you never know what to expect when it opens its doors. Plus, every guest receives a complimentary shower robe that's at least two sizes too big.

Finally, Johnny Damon's Budget Suites used to be a modest but inviting (if a little messy) hotel. Since the owner left, the place has gone downhill. It's not recommended.

Restaurants
Red Sox Nation offers many delicious cuisines but specializes in seafood, baked beans and Cracker Jacks. Those with grand-slam-sized appetites are advised to head to Big Papi's House of Plantains. This Dominican staple is one of the most popular places in the entire Nation, where huge portions are served with a smile.

The starving vegan will find an oasis in the Green Monster Vegetarian Buffet. Hundreds of famished veggie eaters have tried to eat everything in the Green Monster with little success. Yet they keep coming back, hoping to overcome its daunting size.

Attractions
Red Sox Nation offers a wide variety of activities, many of which don't even involve drinking. Those who like a good scare should check out The Curse House at 1919 Bambino Plaza. Visitors tour nearly a century of disappointments and horrors. Be sure to pick up a free Bill Buckner bobblehead (with moving first baseman's mitt) at the gift shop.

Those who are spiritual might enjoy the Temple of the Bloody Sock, a holy place for BoSox believers, where Curt Schilling's original bloody sock is enshrined in bulletproof glass. Faithful fans make the pilgrimage each year to the Temple to ask for miracles and, if necessary, a Wild Card selection.

Those hungry for celebrity sightings will like Ben Affleck's Boat Tours, where Mr. Affleck himself guides you to places where Red Sox Nation and Hollywood collide. Board the Nation's famous duck boats and have Ben show you the homes of celebrity fans such as Mark Wahlberg and Jake Gyllenhaal. Although it's not as exciting as Spike Lee Screams the History of the Knicks, this tour is still recommended.

Bryan Tucker is a writer for "Saturday Night Live." He lives in New York, where he has been banned from Red Sox Nation.