Issue Date: May 4, 2008

Help your teen to get a life

America's leading expert on adolescence tells parents how to prepare children to leave the nest. Are your teens acting like the ones in these scenarios?

Boomerang kids. You may have heard the term. It refers to the record 18.6 million young adults who live with Mom and Dad, up from 12.5 million in 1970. The problem? Reasons for the reverse migration, experts say, range from lack of money to lack of motivation.

Now, William Damon, one of the nation's leading authorities on teens, weighs in with his advice about how parents can prevent their child's "failure to launch." The key: Encourage kids to find and explore their passions, and help them expand their horizons when they are young.

"Kids with a purpose are the ones who can navigate through this complex world," says Damon, author of a new book, "The Path to Purpose: Helping Our Children Find Their Calling in Life," and director of the Stanford Center on Adolescence. The focus shouldn't be "getting into Princeton."

"It's your job to help children focus on their long-term horizon," he explains. "If parents are just providing more anxiety about getting into a good college or earning enough money to buy a house, they're only adding to the stress of this child's life."

To find out what parents should do, we gave Damon four fictional yet plausible scenarios of typical kids and worried parents. Here's his advice:

Scenario 1: Late bloomer

Ethan, 15, is a good kid who is popular and excels at sports. He spends his free time "hanging out" at friends' houses. Without studying too hard, he gets mostly B's. Ethan's mother worries: What will he do with his life, and how will he get there? His father says their son is just fine and not to fret. Who's right?

Both are right. There's a lot about Ethan to celebrate, and his parents should tell him. Being well-adjusted is a great place to start. That said, the mother is right in thinking about Ethan's future. His parents will have to take the lead and create opportunities for Ethan. Explore what he's good at, what he finds interesting and what can sustain his energies. They have a couple of clues. He's sociable and successful at sports, which means he has skills such as relating and leadership (good for business). Come up with a few options, such as part-time jobs or volunteer work, that fit his skills, and get him to commit. Eventually, some interests will take, and he'll get off the dime.

Scenario 2: Big spender

Hannah, 17, spends much of her free time and money on shopping and dining out. She gets good grades but doesn't have a favorite subject. She's wonderful with kids and sometimes babysits to earn money. Should her parents steer her into a lucrative field because she likes to live lavishly, or should they focus on her ability with kids and encourage her to be a teacher, for example, even though she probably wouldn't earn a lot of money?

The focus has to be on Hannah's interests. Encourage her to regularly tutor, babysit -- anything that puts her in contact with children. It's an incredibly valuable facility to have professionally or to raise a family. Family is a source of purpose, and it should be cultivated. You don't need to cultivate material interest. It doesn't mean we can't enjoy nice things, but as a goal, it's absolutely a dead end. Studies show that happiness is related to money only insofar as it separates you from poverty. Obviously, if your child is spending his way to the poorhouse, talk practicality.

Scenario 3: Bigger problems

After Emily, 16, was caught by her parents at a party with alcohol and pot, they are relieved that she now spends most of her weekends at home watching TV, where they can monitor her. But they're not sure why she doesn't talk to them. What should they do?

I understand the relief that Emily is staying out of trouble. But you don't get through life by just avoiding the bad stuff. Her parents should schedule a trip or regular outing to get her out of the house. Whether it's ice-skating or camping, communication will begin. When it does, ask about her interests. Also, parents should talk about their work; most people find their jobs meaningful but don't say so. Share the negative, as well: "I was once floundering, too. Here's what happened. Here's how I got out of it." Kids are intimidated by perfection.

Scenario 4: Unrealistic goals

Brian, 14, spends all of his time playing, watching or talking about basketball. He says he wants to be an NBA star.

There are a zillion kids like Brian because of our celebrity culture. Every kid who wants to make movies wants to be Steven Spielberg. Don't discourage your child, but don't sit back and watch him fail, either. Tell him if he loves this sport, let's get real. Help develop his interest completely, which includes the business of basketball, coaching, marketing, teaching and writing about it. Leave him the sports section of the newspaper every morning, take him to sports museums, sign him up as a coach's assistant. Help Brian explore ways to make a living in what he loves to do.

Our Expert William Damon directs the Center on Adolescence at Stanford University.