Issue Date: May 4, 2008
Grieving for a lost pet is necessary
My mother recently had a stroke, and some friends and family members have been going through hard times, too. I've been everyone's rock -- until my dog died suddenly two weeks ago, that is. I'm a wreck. I can't think, work or even talk. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm grieving over my dog more than I ever have over a person. Is this normal?
S.H., Connecticut
Experts agree that the relationship you have with a pet is just as legitimate and important as any other in your life.
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Absolutely. How we grieve has a lot to do with the type of relationship we had with the loved one who passed. You say it yourself -- you're used to being a "rock" and keeping your emotions in check. The relationship with your dog was unconditional, without that kind of expectation or pressure.
What is not normal, says Phyllis Kosminsky, author of Getting Back to Life When Grief Won't Heal, is if none of the people you've been there for has stepped up for you during this time when you are in a state of emotional turmoil. You don't have to wait for help: Ask for some support from people you've comforted.
"You may be pleasantly surprised to see that many friends and family -- unused to any show of vulnerability from you -- are more than happy to help you through this tough time," she says. The bad news/good news? You'll also learn which people are "emotional vampires," who call you only when they need a boost of positive energy.
It's true that people who have never owned a dog or other animal often find it easy to dismiss the passing of a pet. But experts agree that the relationship with a pet is just as legitimate and important as any other in your life, and going through the grieving process is not frivolous -- it's necessary.
In addition to reaching out to family members and friends, consider contacting the University of California, Davis, toll-free Pet Loss Support Hotline at 800-565-1526.
As you heal, I also want you to start thinking about why you have played the "rock" support role for so long. It's a good time to examine why you haven't expected to get as much back emotionally as you're prone to give to others. Then, you can make an effort to change that behavior in the future.
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