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Issue Date: May 11, 2008
Reality checks
A less-than-scientific look at what American taxpayers plan to do with their sudden windfall from Uncle Sam
By Jay Dyckman
Hear anything about the economy not doing so well?
It's ladies' night in America, and Uncle Sam is buying!
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Those of you regularly checking Craigslist for deals on mildly expired food products surely have. And so has the government. It turns out Uncle Sam noticed that the economy is so feeble it would have to strain its neck to see above an ant's kneecap, so he's getting out his checkbook. When the going gets tough ... the tough cut rebate checks.
Starting this month, the government hopes to stimulate the economy by sending up to $600 to single tax filers, $1,200 to married couples, plus $300 per dependent child.
Free money? Pretty awesome, right?
Not really, according to a random sampling of my fellow Americans (who are also friends of mine). The consensus: The rebate money is about as stimulating as seeing your ex-girlfriend walk into a bar with George Clooney. Flashing an engagement ring. This is, after all, a country where game show contestants routinely act insulted to receive an offer of $100,000, gleefully screaming "No deal!" in response to such a paltry sum. The nerve!
It turns out we don't mind free money, but we prefer to get a whole lot of it. "I wouldn't send it back, but it isn't exactly life-altering money," offers Jon S., a New Yorker who works in marketing and didn't want to reveal his full name for fear of sounding like an ingrate.
But, like it or not, this isn't "Deal or No Deal." Dick Cheney isn't standing on a stage in a sequined gown, tempting us with promises of greater sums in his numbered briefcase.
The question is, what are people going to do with the money? The financial experts recommend that Americans use the check to pay down debt. The government, however, wants us to spend it to boost the economy.
New York writer Robin Epstein's idea might at least lift the spirit. "That sum will cover two rounds of martinis in Manhattan," she says. "Cheers, U.S. government!" Hey, it's ladies' night, America, and Uncle Sam is buying!
"I'd spend it," declares Scott Ehrlich, a mid-30s brand manager, adding that "conspicuous consumption is second only to baseball as the national pastime." Thirty-something Marco Madero adds that he'll probably "spend it on something stupid." Now that's music to the government's ears. The Medal of Freedom for both of you!
One person even tried to spend it long before the check arrived, which, when you think about it, is pretty much how we got into this mess in the first place. "I tried to buy a pair of jeans on credit after assuring the clerk that I would be getting the rebate," says Ed Thomas, a Boston lawyer.
To anyone considering this approach, please note that it was, in fact, highly unsuccessful.
Others are certain that paying down debt is, indeed, the way to go. "I'd reduce my debt," confirms Scott Corrigan, another New Yorker who works in marketing. "After that, I'll make a rabbit jump out of this hat." A good point, actually. What good is David Copperfield if he can't make our national debt disappear? How about it, David Blaine?
Some people see wisdom in both approaches. "I'd pay bills," says artist Michael Mut. Upon reflection, however, he adds, "Or maybe I'll buy lottery tickets." Now that's sound financial planning.
Still, others find the whole rebate scheme entirely counterproductive. "The government has probably spent more money debating, legislating, implementing, mailing and overseeing the program per person than the amount of the rebates being offered," suggests Joe S. of Tampa, another dear friend who requested anonymity. No wonder: With that kind of sober analysis, he clearly couldn't land a job in government service.
To me, the kicker is that the patriotic thing to do is to buy something "fun" with the rebate money. Inexplicably, the whimsical item the experts refer to most is a plasma TV. A tank of gas and the asthma medication that would really come in handy this spring rarely make that list. Apparently, those items aren't particularly fun.
The problem is that most of us aren't feeling very fun these days. It isn't that the money isn't appreciated, but it is sort of like being offered a free oil change on the same day your car got totaled. On the way to putting your cat to sleep. Right after getting fired.
Jay Dyckman last wrote about the classic Gen-X movies of 1983.
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