Issue Date: September 21, 2008
When friends divorce
My longtime friend and her husband of three years, now also a friend, are divorcing. He called us to say he moved near our new home and would love to see us. I think I have to stay true to my old friend; plus, she told me tales of misery. My husband wonders if he's exempt. What are the ground rules for divorced friends?
H.D., California
Your loyalty to an old friend must come first.
|
If you and your long-term friend are close, then your loyalty to her is a no-brainer. But if this is a friendship that has worn thin, and you like her husband a bit more, you should keep a distance from her ex until she's moved on. Unless, of course, her misery includes complaints of abuse. In that case, cut him out of your life.
As for your husband? Although he may not think it's fair, he needs to play by your rules because you brought this friendship into your world and that gives you the right to end it if there are indications the ex is bad news. Accusations of abuse, cheating or criminal acts are huge "guilty-until-proven-innocent" flags; tell your husband about them and explain that you don't want to have the ex in your lives until you know more.
In the meantime, provide a shoulder for your friend to cry on. But don't trash-talk the ex to your friend or your husband -- it'll be too hard to pick up again if they get back together. And let your husband be the bearer of bad news. Have him call the ex and say he'll be in touch when the dust settles, but for now it's too stressful for you to handle.
|
