Issue Date: November 16, 2008
I'm a 29-year-old Indian male who has been engaged for several years through an arranged marriage. I'll be meeting my fiancée face to face for the first time. We've corresponded (including pictures) and really like each other, but I'm nervous about physical chemistry. How important is that to a marriage?
V.D., New York
Is it important? Sure. And you're off to a good start: Physical chemistry has a lot to do with both physical and mental attraction, and so far, it sounds as though you already like what you've seen and heard from your intended. If she also feels enthusiastic about you (regular correspondence is a good clue), then the odds of clicking on a physical level as a couple look pretty good.
That said, don't rush things when you do meet. Becoming comfortable with someone -- let alone close -- takes time. Let hand-holding, hugging and kissing evolve naturally as you spend time together.
The bigger issue for many couples in arranged marriages is less about physical chemistry than it is about sexual compatibility. Psychologist Stephanie Buehler, who works with couples in arranged marriages, suggests taking a modern approach to this age-old custom. If the parents are not approachable about this subject, she says, then women should see a gynecologist to ask questions about what to expect. Men, as well, should speak with a doctor, and both partners should educate themselves about sex so they don't feel fearful or ignorant.
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