Issue Date: March 15, 2009
Grandma moves in
I'm a mother-in-law about to move in with my son's family to help with their financial issues, and I'm thrilled to compare my experience to the Obamas'. I love my daughter-in-law; what advice can you give so I can keep her a friend and be good for the family?
J.H., Washington
Whether you're moving in for financial reasons or, as with our first grandma, to provide a comforting presence for kids during a time of transition, have a plan in place to smooth the move.
In your case, put the money matters on the table before you start packing, says social psychologist Susan Newman, author of "The Book of No." Defining obligations now will prevent misunderstandings later.
Then, discuss everyone's expectations about the new living arrangements. All of you should be on the same page about babysitting, laundry, shopping -- any chores or activities that may be on their wish list but are not necessarily part of your plans. "You are the grandmother, not the nanny or hired help, and you have the right to politely say no if a request makes you unhappy or resentful," Newman says. What's non-negotiable: You must respect bedtime or diet rules for the kids, no matter how much you may disagree.
Finally, be careful not to fall into a parenting role with your son or daughter-in-law, and keep out of their day-to-day doings. Stay active with your own friends to give them -- and you! -- some personal space.
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