Issue Date: March 22, 2009
Words of sympathy
Are there some really good lines that you can say to someone who has lost a loved one that don't make you sound like an insensitive idiot?I never know what to say or do.
A.K., Ohio
Great question. For ages, I've been saying, "I'm so sorry. Is there any-thing I can do?" But I've often wondered if there was some-thing I could offer that would feel more meaningful. I spoke to several experts who said that when responding to this kind of news, it's best to keep things simple.
According to psychologist Bev Smallwood, author of "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me," it's more important to know what not to say.
Here are a few don'ts:
"I understand how you feel." Unless you've been through exactly the same kind of loss, you just don't.
"Everything happens for a reason." There's never going to be a good reason to lose a loved one. Ever.
"He/she is with God now." Never say this when you can't think of what else to say. Say this only if you are familiar with the person's religious background and believe he or she would be comforted by it.
Always good:
Offer help, keep in touch and send a handwritten note in the mail that reminds the person of the departed's great qualities. Or, if you knew the departed personally, share a special memory.
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