Issue Date: May 31, 2009
Dealing with a spouse's drinking
My wife and I, like many of our friends, are wine-club people. Lately, though, when I come home at night, she has been overindulging on her own, and it bugs me. She says it's not an issue and gets mad if I say something. When is the line between acceptable and disturbing crossed?
M.M., New York
The fact that you worry about your wife's overindulgence is a warning sign of a problem.
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Great question. Whether it's to celebrate an occasion, to take the edge off a blowup or, as in your case, to make friends and socialize, alcohol certainly has become a huge part of relationships, and not everyone is equipped to handle it.
According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, the fact that you're troubled about how often and how much your wife drinks and her irritation with your concern are signs that there may be a problem.
I spoke with Kimberly Dennis, a psychiatrist who specializes in addictive illnesses and is a recovering alcoholic herself. She suggests that you and your wife should find an open Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and speak with others to see if you can relate to some of their stories. Ask her to do it for you not to prove she has a problem, but rather to put your worries to rest.
Also, use this meeting to gauge your own drinking habits. "If it turns out she does have a problem, are you willing to get rid of the wine at home to help support her recovery?" Dennis asks. If the idea of finding some new, alcohol-free friends and activities bugs you, then you might be more physically and psychologically dependent than you think. "Only when you both get the booze out of your systems and get the help of the recovery community will you be able to really get to the bottom of why your wife started overindulging in the first place."
If things don't change despite your best efforts, then find a way to keep her disease from draining you. Call the Center for Substance Abuse Treatment at 800-662-4357 for information about local treatment programs for alcoholics and those who love them.
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