Issue Date: July 26, 2009
Learn to say "no"
Everyone knows I can't say "no," or, if I do say "no" (and explain that I don't have time to keep my own life on track), that eventually I'll cave. Please help me get a backbone before I lose my mind!
B.K., Florida
A: If there's one thing I have learned from Oprah, it's this: You have to take care of yourself before you can effectively take care of others. If saying "yes" to others makes you feel helpless, then it's time to let go of the guilt that comes from saying "no."
Corporate coach Michelle DeAngelis, author of Get a Life That Doesn't Suck, has taught thousands of people to be assertive, take charge and maintain positive relationships. She offers these simple steps:
Know you have the power to choose. You can make the choice to say "no" if you want. The question is, do you really want to? Some people think they "can't" say no when they really mean they "won't" say no because, deep down, they like being needed.
Change your inner default. Rehearse this phrase: "I'm so glad you thought of me, but I can't." Don't offer any explanations or excuses for others to try to work around.
Have a goal. Think about something great you can do for yourself during the time you didn't commit to someone else. Replay that thought if you feel your resolve weaken.
If you still find that your life needs a little help getting on track, ask for it. You've made time for others; now, let them do the same for you.
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