STRAIGHT TALK
By Jeffrey Zaslow
Issue date:
July 18-20, 1997
Dennis MillerThe cranky comedian "rants" for a living. But don't try it at home, he says.
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| MILLER TIME
Satirized the news: On Saturday Night Live, 1985-91.
After his '92 talk-show bombed: Even his manager wouldn't return his calls. "No one wanted any stink juice on them. HBO rescued me off the scrap heap."
Vows: To rant on HBO "until they don't want me. They'll have to fire me."
Family: Irish-born wife Ali Espley; sons Holden,7, and Marlon, 3.
Best seller: Miller's book, The Rants, has just been released in paperback.
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 very Friday night on HBO, comic Dennis Miller grumbles loudly and hilariously about things that irk him: gutless politicians, obnoxious activists, misguided judges ("I haven't seen judgment this bad since I lost to Sinbad on Star Search!").
He calls his act "the rants," and not only has ranting made him famous and rich, but also "it's therapy. It's the same stuff I used to say to my shrink." Indeed, now that he has Dennis Miller Live (11:30 p.m. ET), he's cut back on therapy sessions.
But before you follow his lead in search of better mental health, Miller, 43, issues caution. "I have a great place to rant: my show. Most people don't. Watch that ranting in real life." Should we ever rant at our bosses? "No! They'll fire you. Shut up and eat it." Our kids? "No. Be nice to your kids. Explain, don't rant." Does he ever rant at his two young sons? "No. I want them to like me." Miller is dismissive of those who spout off, trying to bully others to adopt their philosophies. "It's narcissistic to think you can change someone's beliefs. I don't think people can influence each other on core issues like abortion. Whether to use AT&T or MCI? Yeah, people flip back and forth. But core issues? No." Miller, who grew up in Pittsburgh and studied journalism at Point Park College, got his start writing and delivering humorous essays for the local PM Magazine. He has now honed his monologues into performance art. "I believe everything I say in the show, but I don't walk around in my everyday life like some incensed Rasputin. If I did, do you know how alone I'd be in the world?" He says he feels lucky that his "monkey trick" found an audience, but if he ever loses his half-hour show, he'll likely schedule more therapy, vent to his wife before bed, and that'll be it. "I won't be standing in a public square ranting for 27 minutes a week. I promise."
Photo Credit: JONATHAN EXLEY FOR USA WEEKEND
ADVICE FROM MILLER
Know your abilities: "Everybody gets up the mountain to a certain point. The world would operate better if we all felt at peace with our own base camp. Not everybody plants the flag."To be a comic: "Be funny. You get fired if you're not funny." That is, unless you're Andy Rooney, who Miller says hasn't been funny in 15 years. "Obviously, his boss finds him very funny. And if Andy has to please me or [60 Minutes producer] Don Hewitt, he should please Don Hewitt."Appreciate employees: "I've had enough bad jobs -- ice cream scooper, janitor -- to know it wears you down. At fast-food places, whenever I see [employee of the month] photos on the way to the restroom, I'm touched. If I see the guy, I say, 'Congratulations. Good for you.' "It's OK to sell out: "Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. I'm a family man. I sold out to make an M&M commercial. They offer incredible amounts of money, and I say, 'What can I do to sell one more piece of candy for you? Do you want me to hug the M&M?' "Don't expect 15 minutes of fame: "Andy Warhol was an optimist. It's more like 2 1/2 minutes."
ASK MILLER FOR ADVICE
Miller will write or call a reader who seeks advice. By July 27, write to "Straight Talk," P.O. Box 3455, Chicago, Ill. 60654 (fax: 312-661-0375; e-mail: talk@usaweekend.com).
Zaslow is an advice columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times.
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