Issue date:
May 1-3, 1998

Carolyn McCarthy:

The congresswoman, who lost her husband in the Long Island train massacre, says no one should feel pressured to recover from tragedy. "Don't let anyone tell you it will go away."

Critics say McCarthy flip-flops. She says she sometimes changes her mind after studying an issue. "I call that education."

ep. Carolyn McCarthy, D-N.Y., often hears about the families of murder victims in her Long Island district. "I want to reach out to them because I know what they're going through. But I'm afraid they'll think I'm reaching out because I'm a politician."

McCarthy, 54, spent most of her life as a nurse with no political ambitions. Then, in 1993, her husband was among six people killed during gunman Colin Ferguson's rampage on the Long Island Rail Road. Her son, shot in the head, was one of 19 wounded. While nursing him back from near-death, McCarthy began lobbying for gun control.

Her Washington aspirations took life after her congressman voted to repeal a ban on assault weapons. She was so mad she ran against him in 1996 and won his seat. This Sunday, her story is retold in a TV movie.

McCarthy is a refreshing presence among Capitol Hill's career politicians. As a citizen lawmaker, she's willing to display her ignorance. "In nursing, I learned never to be afraid to ask a question, because if you don't ask, someone could die." Her critics say she vacillates on issues. She agrees. "During my election, I said things. Now I'm educated and I've changed my mind. People call that flip-flopping. I call that education."

Perhaps her greatest strength in Congress is as a role model. She's using her personal tragedy to make a public impact, and people who've lost loved ones violently or suddenly are drawn to her. "I tell them, 'It's tough. Don't let anyone tell you it will go away.' The one word most victims hate is 'closure.' We get on with our lives, but there's no such thing as closure."

Find little ways to help you cope with a loss, McCarthy advises. In her case, she still wears her wedding band. "When I'm nervous, I twist it and it gives me strength. It reminds me why I'm here."

Zaslow is an advice columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times.