"I kissed dating goodbye"

At 17, Joshua Harris abandoned casual dating as selfish and premature. Today, his message fuels a popular book and sold-out seminars across the country.

In this article:
Four other ways to spend a Saturday night

By César G. Soriano

Being single "is a unique opportunity to develop your gifts," says Harris, 23. Below, he meets with University of Tennessee students.

oshua Harris wants you to know he's no prude, and neither is his creator: "God, the God of the Bible, is not a prude! He is extremely pro-sex! He's all for sex - within the parameters of marriage."

Accordingly, Harris, 23, is thankful for his "God-given sex drive" - but the first time this newlywed even so much as kissed his wife was at the altar. He says he's a hopeless romantic - yet at 17 he quit dating and went on to write a book urging others to do likewise.

In this sex-saturated age of Dawson's Creek and the Spice Girls, you might expect Harris' message to fall on deaf ears. Think again. His 1997 book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Multnomah Books, $9.99), is in its eighth printing. In August, it hit the top of the Christian best-seller list with little more than word-of-mouth publicity. His seminars at colleges and churches often sell out, attracting thousands of young people eager to hear about "personal relationships from a biblical perspective." Jan. 1, Harris starts a four-day fellowship in Baltimore aimed at people 18-29. Though his message is rooted in Christianity, he receives praise from audiences of other religions, secular people, even the divorced.

In Harris' theology, dating is out. Singlehood is in.

He hastens to clarify: "Dating is not a sin." But "we're pursuing romance for the sake of romance." It's that sort of uncommitted, selfish relationship, Harris says, that leads to teen pregnancy, disease - even the dire straits President Clinton finds himself in.

It's not as if Harris came up with these ideas because he couldn't get a date. With his piercing green eyes and dark good looks, the Portland, Ore., native has broken his share of hearts. But at an age when many teens are obsessed with dating, Harris gave it up: "I was pursuing something when I wasn't ready to be committed. I was wasting my time and hurting people."

At 21, he poured his personal creed into a book because "I was tired of 13-year-old girls who have this mind-set that they aren't complete without a boyfriend."

Brooke Wesson, 18, of Canton, Texas, has read Harris' book twice and says amen. "I decided I don't want to date anymore. It's ridiculous how teenagers are obsessed with dating. If you don't have a boyfriend, you're considered the most pathetic loser in the world."

After writing the book, Harris tackled a longtime goal: to become a pastor. During an internship at Covenant Life Church near Washington, D.C., he met church secretary Shannon Hendrickson, 25. After a year as her friend, Harris decided he was ready to be her husband. "It wasn't like I said, 'Hey, let's go out.' I told her, 'I've been thinking about you a long time. I've been praying about this. I'd like you to consider exploring a relationship to figure out whether or not we could be married.' "

The two began "dating with a purpose" and three months later were engaged. They're now working on a follow-up book to I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

Nowadays, "You go out with someone, break up and move on to the next person," Harris says. "But there's always this part of you you're holding back because you know what it's like to be hurt. It would be wonderful if when a person gets married, they haven't gone through eight boyfriends. They give everything because their heart hasn't been chipped away at."

Harris' message draws fire from those who say dating is like having a driver's permit for finding the right mate. Harris turns that metaphor on its head. "Dating is more like giving a teenager a sports car and saying, 'Go around, drive as fast as you can.' " It might teach you to drive - but "you're going to get in a lot of wrecks."

Four other ways to spend a Saturday night

A few of Harris' alternatives to dating:

1. Help others. Serve at a soup kitchen or get some friends together to clean up a neighborhood park.

2. Make your own fun. Start a band in your garage instead of
buying another CD. In other words, "produce before you consume."

3. Get together with a group. Go out of your way to involve friends
and family in your life; don't isolate yourself with just one person.

4. Learn skills that will help you in marriage. Practice parenthood by baby-sitting for neighbors.

- C.G.S.

Photo Credits: MARK MOSRIE FOR USA WEEKEND