Issue date: Nov 28, 1999

In this article:
The Ahn Trio, classical musicians
SHeDAISY, country singers
Tavis and Derwin Smiley, TV host and law student
Alexandra and Caroline Paul, actress and firefighter
Cheryl and Reggie Miller, basketball stars
8 tips to better sibling relationships

Sisters&Brothers
Unconditional love
5 sets of siblings explore the relationship of a lifetime

Interviews by Jennifer Mendelsohn

As families gather for this Thanksgiving weekend, USA WEEKEND magazine's 12th annual Family Spirit report celebrates the unique bonds between siblings -- potentially the longest relationship of your life. You'll hear about the ups and downs of being a rising trio of country singing sisters, Kristyn, Kassidy and Kelsi Osborn, and the closeness of twins, such as Alexandra and Caroline Paul -- one of whom plays a hero on TV; the other, in real life. There are stories about the sibling rivalry between basketball greats Reggie and Cheryl Miller, and the lessons of selflessness Tavis and Derwin Smiley learned while growing up poor in a family rich in love and commitment. All of these stories share the universal components of love, trust and loyalty that define family spirit, that define family.

The Ahn Trio, classical musicians
"They just make everything better"

A critic once suggested that a "dominant musical gene has obviously left its imprint" on the Korean-born sisters who make up the Ahn Trio. Twins Maria and Lucia play the cello and piano, respectively, while Angella plays the violin. With their Juilliard educations and model looks, the New York City-based Ahns turn heads -- and ears -- worldwide.

Angella, 28: "My mom says that when she brought me home from the hospital, my sisters tried to stick me with chopsticks because they were jealous about having to share her all of a sudden. People are constantly asking us, 'Do you compete with one another?' and 'Do you get jealous of one another?' I guess we got all that competitiveness out of our systems when we were infants. When I think of my sisters, I think 'triple power.' "

Maria, 30: "I used to think the greatest thing about having an identical twin was to fool everyone and the best thing about having a younger sister was to have someone to boss around. Now that we are three adults making music and traveling together, I realize how lucky I am. They're my closest friends, biggest fans and worst critics. And who wouldn't be happy with the free therapy?"

Lucia, 30: "The best thing about my younger sister, Angella, is that she takes care of me as if she were my own little mom, making sure I eat right and taking care of me when I am sick. Maria is amazing because she gives me so much inspiration. She never stops thinking of something new and creative for our trio to do. She is also my stylist: She looks at my hair, my clothes, and tells me what I need. They are my best friends!"

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SHeDAISY, country singers
"If I had to lay down my life for my sister, I would"

With a gold debut album under their belts, hot new country act SHeDAISY -- sisters Kristyn, Kelsi and Kassidy Osborn -- celebrated Thanksgiving by performing in Macy's parade. The trio, who grew up in Utah and have three other siblings, began singing together as children. Kristyn and Kelsi are married; Kassidy is single.

Kelsi, 25: "We have that intuition of 'I think I know what you're thinking.' We can sometimes take the words out of each other's mouths. Or in a meeting, we all usually have the same gut feeling. That's how we can tell if a decision's right or wrong. We definitely hear it in our harmony, too. We all have different voices, but when we sing together, we just have this blend, and it's really hard to re-create if you're not family."

Kassidy, 23: "When we first started singing together, we went to a hospital to sing for patients. There was one man who had cancer, and we sang his favorite song. I just remember how powerful the feeling in that room was. What was so great about sharing that with my sisters was that we all felt it at the same time. We didn't have to say anything. We just knew we needed to keep singing together and sharing this with people."

Kristyn, 29: "The sister relationship is one of the strangest. It surpasses marriage and the parental relationship. It's a relationship of extremes: You can be so ready to rip their heads off and then look back and say, 'Oh, she's so cute. She made me a cheesecake.' There's some sort of chemistry between sisters that's truly unconditional. Your spouse means the world to you, but there's something that goes a step beyond with a sister. When it's the end of the day, if I had to lay down my life for my sister, I would."

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Tavis and Derwin Smiley, TV host and law student
"Learning how to love through sharing"

Black Entertainment Television host, author and radio commentator Tavis Smiley has seven younger brothers and two older sisters. The brood also includes four cousins who were adopted by the Smileys as children after their mother's murder. Law student Derwin "Doobie" Smiley is the third youngest of the 10.

Tavis, 35: "You can't grow up in a family as big and impoverished as we were and not learn to share. Everything you had, literally, you had to share. My mother still has a forest-green sweater that every one of her eight boys has worn. It's tattered and torn and has patches all over it. It's like a family heirloom. You end up learning how to love through sharing. It's a phenomenal lesson and one you never forget."

Derwin, 27: "Since my parents were divorced, Tavis is like a father figure to me. Whenever we were in a bind, we could call him. He helped put some of us through college and sacrificed things for us to have a better life. Some brothers would throw it in your face all the time and say, 'I helped you with this,' or 'I gave you this and that.' Not once did he ever ask for the money back. He doesn't even want the money back. He just did it out of the kindness of his heart. That's just love -- unconditional love."

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Alexandra and Caroline Paul, actress and firefighter
"I'll always have her"

Twins Alexandra and Caroline Paul used to joke that while Alexandra was pretending to rescue people on Baywatch, Caroline really was rescuing people as a San Francisco firefighter. She's also the author of a 1998 Pulitzer Prize-nominated memoir, Fighting Fire. The twins -- who have a younger brother, too -- are so close, says Alexandra, that "if we ever disagree, we just start to cry. We cannot stand to fight."

Caroline, 36: "Being a twin is always special, but my twin is famous and you can't imagine the hilarious things that go with that. A flight attendant once leaned over and whispered, 'We have a better seat for you,' and led me into first class. She clearly thought I was Alexandra, but as she didn't ask, I didn't say anything. I thought, 'Wow! Free drinks, lots of fancy cookies.' I was all prepared to take full advantage of my new seat. But then I realized, 'Oops. I have a reputation to uphold, and it's not mine!' "

Alexandra, 36: "I had a boyfriend who said I would never need anybody as much as a regular person does because I have my sister, and I think he was right. I'll always have her, even if everything else goes badly. It's like having your left arm or something. She means everything to me."

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Cheryl and Reggie Miller, basketball stars
"They're the last line of defense"

Basketball hall of famer Cheryl Miller, coach of the WNBA's Phoenix Mercury, says she and Indiana Pacers guard Reggie Miller, her younger brother, are "as close as you can be without being twins." A special bond: Both have won Olympic gold medals, Cheryl in 1984 and Reggie as part of the 1996 "Dream Team." They have three other siblings.

Cheryl, 35: "I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for competing against Reggie. It's always been competitive between us, from basketball to football to baseball to hopscotch -- anything. There's that old saying that iron sharpens iron, and that's how we got better in every aspect. Our competitions in the back yard were intense. It was, 'Come on, let's play one more.' And before you knew it, it was 10 o'clock and Dad was telling us to come inside."

Reggie, 34: "My siblings and I can go a year without seeing each other and it's almost like riding a bike -- the conversation picks up where you left off. Sometimes I can be my own worst critic. When things aren't going right, particularly professionally, I know I can call any of my siblings up and they understand what I'm going through. They're somewhat the last line of defense. Before the media caves in on you, or the fans, or whoever, you always have your family."

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For Parents

• Acknowledge negative feelings. If your child says, "Send the baby back!" Don't say, "You don't mean that. You love your sister!" Instead, try, "You don't want her here. Sometimes you wish she'd go away." Feelings aren't wrong; actions are.
• Don't compare children, favorably or unfavorably. ("Why can't you be more like Suzie? She always does her homework on time.") Each child is an individual.
• Don't assign roles. ("He's the artist; she's the athlete.") No one needs to corner the market in any endeavor, so encourage children in all pursuits.
• Treat children uniquely, not equally. Don't get bogged down in who got how many pancakes and how big they were. Address your child's needs: "Are you still hungry? Would you like more?"
• Spend time alone with each child. Kids sometimes act out in hopes of getting attention. As little as a half hour a week can help. Don't discuss siblings.

For adult siblings

• It's never too late to mend a broken relationship. Reconnect slowly, with a birthday card or a note to say, "I'm thinking of you."
• Be supportive. A sibling's put-downs can have a terribly negative impact. Support each other in good times and bad.
• Accept each other. The mutual acceptance of feelings and of who you are is the first step to any close relationship.

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