Finding A New Balance

“Although the airwaves are filled with people who will tell you the opposite,” Meers says, “you need to know — your children will be absolutely fine.”

Accept your spouse's parenting skills.
Even as she amped up her work hours, Tara Dai had trouble letting go of some child-related tasks that mothers were “supposed” to do, such as taking the kids to the pediatrician and helping them with their homework.

In fact, Meers says, it's in these areas that entertaining a new perspective can be the most enlightening. “The style differences can be really helpful,” she says. “When one parent is about to go bananas because a child won't eat or something, the other parent will have another way of dealing with it.”

Bank online.
Research has shown that for two-thirds of people, money represents power. The more you share this belief, the better the likelihood that changing income dynamics will wreak havoc at home. Why? Because it puts the higher earner in charge — and marriages work best when power is balanced.

To even the playing field, take a step back from the paycheck. Have it direct-deposited into a bank account that you both can access online so you both can keep track of your money in real time.

If you maintain individual accounts as well (more below on why this is a good idea), decide together how much money will be transferred from the main joint account into those accounts and how often such transfers will be made.

Finally, have those transfers executed automatically every time you get paid.

For men:

A successful wife helps your career.
It seems counterintuitive, but Sharon Meers, co-author of Getting to 50/50: How Working Couples Can Have It All By Sharing It All, says men have a higher probability of job success if their wives work. “Think about it,” she says. If you know that your wife can pay the mortgage for a while, and your job goes sour, you can leave it to go back to school or get retraining.

Talk about what's happening.
After 20-odd years, the Mommy Wars — the sniping about whether moms who work or moms who don't are better for the kids — have wound down. But the Daddy Wars are just beginning. Men are starting to talk about it at websites such as rebeldad.com, run (from home) by Brian Reid, whose wife is a law professor. Most men aren't comfortable chatting in a coffee shop, but they may be more at ease going online and expressing their feelings there.

Maintain some financial autonomy.
For years, I've told stay-at-home mothers they should have some money of their own. It forces you to actively manage it. And being married doesn't mean you have the same financial priorities. Everyone needs to be able to buy a cup of coffee or a pair of shoes without asking.

For couples:

Get some new friends.
When I moved to the suburbs after my first child was born, I was in the minority. About one-third of women worked outside the home and two-thirds didn't. I quickly noticed that most of the new friends I made were “train friends” — other women who were commuting, just like me. They were the women with whom I felt most comfortable. Meers says I was onto something and suggests couples follow suit.

“If you want to live in a more egalitarian marriage, one of the first things to do is find other people who believe what you believe and hang out with them,” she says. “It's a lot easier to resist the forces that will make you feel uncomfortable.”

Silence the peanut gallery.
Not everyone, particularly in your parents' or grandparents' generation, is going to accept how you and your spouse choose to run your life. They may even come right out and tell you you're doing the wrong thing. Insist, sooner rather than later, that they respect your decisions.

“My mom is from India,” Meers says. “She comes from a conservative culture, and she was not excited about me being a managing director at Goldman Sachs with a little child.” Meers told her: “I love you. I want you to be very involved with my son, but it's hard with your anxiety.” Translation: Rein it in if you want to see the kid.

Outsiders (and even relatives are outsiders) need to understand that this is not a negotiation; this is your choice. And unless they support it, they risk losing their place in your lives.

Finally, delegate the dirty work.
Aaron Rochlen, associate professor in counseling psychology at the University of Texas, recently completed a study of couples with working moms and stay-at-home dads.

One finding: Although the fathers say they get a lot of satisfaction from child-care duties, they're not “too thrilled” with having to maintain the cleanliness and orderliness of the house.

Guess what? Neither are mothers. For everyone's sanity, if you can afford it, hire help.