You can fight, but be fair

You're a slob! Clean up or I'm out of here.”

Such battle cries are a recipe for relationship disaster, says Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great. “It's not conflict that leads to unhappiness. It's how you handle that conflict.”

But arguments are good, Orbuch says. “You don't want the small stuff to fester. Over time, ‘Why doesn't he clean the dishes?' snowballs into ‘He doesn't respect or love me.' ” Here are some tips for how to fight fairly:

Start with “I.” Say things like, “I become anxious when you leave the stove on.”

Focus on what can change. Don't attack perceived character traits — “you're unreliable” — but rather specific changeable behaviors — “Could you please remember to buy milk?”

Lose the absolutes. Refrain from ultimatums such as “always” and “never,” which make partners defensive.

Step back. If you're about to hurl profanities or something hurtful, take a break. Let your partner know you're going off to calm down. Don't storm off without explanation.