She just landed as co-anchor of morning’s No. 1 show, NBC’s Today, so Ann Curry is now one of the highest-profile working mothers around.
We caught up with the 54-year-old mom of two, son Walker, 16, and daughter McKenzie, 18 (who describes Curry’s parenting style as “lovingly overbearing”), to get her advice on how to make it all work.
Accept imperfection.
When she was younger, “I lived with this insane standard about how I needed to mother,” Curry says.Young women constantly come up to me for advice of how to handle the strain of being a working mother. It reminds me of how I also as a young mother lived with this insane standard about how I needed to mother,” says Curry. “I had to be perfect at work, perfect at home, keep a perfect house, have my kids be perfectly dressed, always be happy, always make the food that they wanted, made sure they got into the right summer program. My advice is to forgive yourself for not meeting a standard that really is insane. You’re asking too much of yourself.”
Depend on your village, however small.
Whether it’s your husband, a nanny, your mother, your friends: “Brian [Ross, Curry’s husband of 22 years] and I live 3,000 miles away from all of our family, so we were each other’s village,” says Curry, 54. “The truth is we have great neighbors and great friends, but for us it’s really been boots on the ground, focus on each other and really embrace our children. I’m really lucky in terms of having a great husband who may not always do the dishes right but he definitely is an amazing dad.”
Divide and conquer.
Curry is up and out early — way early — with a 3:45 a.m. wake-up call. She relies on her husband of 22 years, software executive Brian Ross, for morning duty. “He’s the guy who gets them up, gets them breakfast, drives them to school,” Curry says. But she covers afternoons and evenings: “I was always the one who met with the teachers, picked them up from school, made dinner, helped with homework, put them to bed.”
Don't multitask as a mom.
“If you’re with your children, you need to be 100% present,” Curry says. That means: When you’re with the kids, ignore the BlackBerry and iPad. “But when you’re at work, you work with 100% focus, because guess what? Working is taking care of your children: It’s paying for dental care, it’s putting money in the bank for their college fund, it’s making sure they have enough good food to eat.”
Have boundaries.
“I won’t take on a lot of things during the weeknights because I want to be home to help my children with homework, more than the actual practical support of getting their homework done, they need the emotional support,” says Curry, who finds that right before her kids go to bed is when they have a lot to get off their chests.
Validate them.
When Curry has to miss a holiday, a school event, a sports game, she discusses it first with her kids, son Walker, 16, and daughter McKenzie, 18. “‘How mad are you going to be if I miss this? Are you going to be bummed?’” she asks. “I think it’s a conversation. You want to give them control. As long as you’re letting them know how important they are, then they’re going to understand. But if they think you didn’t come because you didn’t value them, then you have an issue. It doesn’t mean that your going to feel better or I’m going to feel better about missing Easter when I went to Kosovo.”
Have faith in your children.
“Our children are more resilient, more generous then we give them credit for. Have faith that they will be able to take on the challenges, that they will be able to do their schoolwork and become good people. Sometimes just having faith in your child gives them what they need to get it done.”
Keep up with technology.
“I find that [texting] is really the way to reach them,” says Curry who also uses Skype and iChat when she’s on the road. “They have a whole [texting] language," says Curry, who has a texting dictionary of acronyms on her desk. “I’m trying to figure out how to go beyond BFF.”
Tell them you love them - a lot.
“You can never tell them too many times, let them roll their eyes,” says Curry. “Life can sometimes be, for all of us, a bully and you need to have money in the bank, that love is money, to get you through all the way to the end. Every time you say ‘I love you,’ you’re putting money in bank. You’re not always going to be there to put money in the bank so I say you got to stock up so it will last a long time.”
Hug them hard.
“Hug him like he’s a teddy bear, not like he’s a precious piece of china. You can express so much in how you hold him and speak to him. I’ve said to my daughter and son, ‘I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you.’”
Find a new family time if the old one's not working.
Now that her kids are teenagers with lots of activities after school, family dinners are challenging. “Our big things now are weekends. We have big blowout cookouts. We go see movies together. It’s really conversation and good meals. I wish I could say we had dinner together every night like we used to but it’s become harder and harder. It’s a struggle.”
Remember this too shall pass.
“Every year of a child’s life is a new chapter and that chapter will end. If you feel overwhelmed because your child won’t eat his vegetables, that is going to end. If you feel overwhelmed because he’s having trouble in first grade, learning how to read, guess what, he will read, however long he takes. Your job is not to fret but support him. Whatever stress and strain you feel being a mother at this moment, that stress and strain is going to come to an end and then a new chapter will begin. Motherhood is never ending, but the particular demands will end and you will rise through them, no matter what, to the next chapter.”
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