"Ready?"

"Do me a favor. Quit saying, 'We're not out of the woods, yet.'"

Absolutely, irretrievably alone, Warren pondered his
overwhelming success at simplifying his life.

"I don't fingerpaint. But I do collect quality fingerpaintings."

"Didn't anyone tell you about casual Fridays?"

"Like I said, Pops, change is a-comin'."

"Healthy snacks instead of candy?! You're fired!"

"It's an audio book report."

"Mom! Can I get drinks for my posse?"

"These days, all the elve's work gets outsourced."

"Well, what did you think would happen after your 1,000 free hours of Internet time were up?"

"You kids better settle down or I'll turn this car right back around!"

"Looky, Punkin, they cloned a little cat. More kitties! That's what the world needs!"

"After I got the first botox injection, I just couldn't stop."

"I considered hormone replacement therapy. But for me, I decided husband replacement therapy worked much better."

"My husband lived a long, full life. Darn near outlived his student loans."

"A 'spring'? Oh, no, no, no. You're definitely a 'winter.'"

"Believe me, son, we all have something chasing us."

"Are you kidding? I could never have afforded to transfer here without vouchers."

"Sorry. But his constant honking was really getting on my nerves."

"We're researching the effects of capital punishment. One will get a real bullet, and the other will get a placebo."

"At first it was just a disguise, but then I started to like it."

"Give it up Linda. You know he'll never change. He'll always eat nothing but meat until at least his first heart attack."

"Ed, ring my cellphone, willya? My kid buried it somewhere in the sand."

"Don't you have your own reality show?"

"No matter how much we try to ignore it, the race issue will always be there between us."

"Someday, son, all this will be under your own SEC investigation."

"Hey, Mom..."

"Rodney, we think perhaps it's time you graduated from your home schooling."

"I'm referring you to a colleague. He specializes in holistic medicine."

"If you give me control of the remote for the entire World Series, I'll give you 'Gilmore Girls' and two Thursday night shows to be named later."

"C'mon, now. You can be honest. Does this dress make my butt look big?"

"I've read it's a good sign of intelligence for you to have so many imaginary friends, dear. But must they all be Hell's Angels?"

"Forget plague or the Inquisition. I'm tellin' ya, with the world today, it's hard to find anything to be funny about."

"I owe a co-pay?"

"No, this is his cousin...Billboard Baggins."

"Santa canceled the trip. These days, everyone's just giving gift cards."

"This story on the major events of the year deserves in-depth analysis ... You've got an extra eight seconds."

"Doesn't know his ABC's yet, but he can already ID nearly 20 fast-food chains."

"I think we're in line for the roller coaster. Or maybe hot dogs. It's still too early to tell."

"Tell me again about your dot-com glory days. Y'know, back when you were my age."

"...and someone's been using my cell phone -- and used up all my minutes!"

"Contestant on a reality show -- and you?"

"I think it was a fair settlement. I got the house and car. He got custody of the highway we adopted."

"We offer an interactive dining environment. You order it. I get it. You eat it."

"Petey's new name is Swampmaster P. And he no longer hops. Now he hip-hops."

"I happen to be quite proud of the fact that I have no self-esteem, thank you very much."

"His family's old money."

"Just put the tattoo where your mom won't see it. It's no big deal. I've done it dozens of times."

"Mrs. Johnson, my backpack's really full. Can I just fax this home?"

"Just pretend she's a par four and you're Tiger Woods."

"Well, you can think whatever you want.
I prefer to think of our bowl as half full."

"Henry! You aren't making a difference!"

"My Mom refuses to watch CNN. She says as long as the home shopping channels are still on, she knows everything is OK."

"You are aware, I hope, that other kids are satisfied with a drink of water."

"I found out that I'm eligible for paid family leave. So Dear- I'm leaving."

"I tried those self-whitening toothpastes, but actually it was the dental strips that did the trick for me."

"All you had to do was press the 'Home' key."

"Remember when Santa used to talk to children on his lap? Now he just instant messages them on his laptop."

"Will a current automotive term finally help you understand? Leo, I have zero percent interest in you."

"Not only have the drug companies merged -- apparently, so have their pills."

"That's sweet. But I'd rather be a Bachelorette than a Desperate Housewife."

"Trust me, kid. Learn as many tricks as you can early on."

"Sorry ... got a frog in my throat."

"My allergies are killing me!"

"It's the latest in home entertainment systems!"

"Of course the groom has cold feet. Everyone here has cold feet."

"I don't care if it is for I.D. purposes. Mom is going to kill you when she finds out you got a tattoo."

"This terrifying tale is about escalating health care costs. Or is that toooo scary?"

"Look, Honey. I admitted I was wrong. I don't have to endure one of your lectures, too, do I?"

"Instead of going to summer camp this year, we just bought the DVD."

"I'd love to keep you in the game, son. But your little sister is hitting .750"

"It's good. And only 40 calories per serving! What I can't figure out is how they managed to fit 12 servings in this little cup."

"I need two Happy Meals. And one I'm-Not-Happy-About-This-At-All Meal."

"That itsy bitsy spider song is cool.
Know where I can download the ringtone?"