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USA WEEKEND cartoons, including Affirmies and Thurbear | USA WEEKEND Magazine

Friday, October 5, 2007

"Do me a favor. Quit saying, 'We're not out of the woods, yet.'"

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Absolutely, irretrievably alone, Warren pondered his
overwhelming success at simplifying his life.

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"I don't fingerpaint. But I do collect quality fingerpaintings."

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"Didn't anyone tell you about casual Fridays?"

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Friday, September 7, 2007

"Like I said, Pops, change is a-comin'."

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"Healthy snacks instead of candy?! You're fired!"

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"It's an audio book report."

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"Mom! Can I get drinks for my posse?"

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"These days, all the elve's work gets outsourced."

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Monday, July 2, 2007

"Well, what did you think would happen after your 1,000 free hours of Internet time were up?"


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"You kids better settle down or I'll turn this car right back around!"


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"Looky, Punkin, they cloned a little cat. More kitties! That's what the world needs!"


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"After I got the first botox injection, I just couldn't stop."


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"I considered hormone replacement therapy. But for me, I decided husband replacement therapy worked much better."


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"My husband lived a long, full life. Darn near outlived his student loans."


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"A 'spring'? Oh, no, no, no. You're definitely a 'winter.'"


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"Believe me, son, we all have something chasing us."


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"Are you kidding? I could never have afforded to transfer here without vouchers."


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"Sorry. But his constant honking was really getting on my nerves."


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"We're researching the effects of capital punishment. One will get a real bullet, and the other will get a placebo."


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"At first it was just a disguise, but then I started to like it."


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"Give it up Linda. You know he'll never change. He'll always eat nothing but meat until at least his first heart attack."


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"Ed, ring my cellphone, willya? My kid buried it somewhere in the sand."


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"Don't you have your own reality show?"


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"No matter how much we try to ignore it, the race issue will always be there between us."


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"Someday, son, all this will be under your own SEC investigation."


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Monday, June 18, 2007

"Hey, Mom..."


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"Rodney, we think perhaps it's time you graduated from your home schooling."


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"I'm referring you to a colleague. He specializes in holistic medicine."


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"If you give me control of the remote for the entire World Series, I'll give you 'Gilmore Girls' and two Thursday night shows to be named later."


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"C'mon, now. You can be honest. Does this dress make my butt look big?"


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"I've read it's a good sign of intelligence for you to have so many imaginary friends, dear. But must they all be Hell's Angels?"


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"Forget plague or the Inquisition. I'm tellin' ya, with the world today, it's hard to find anything to be funny about."


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"I owe a co-pay?"


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"No, this is his cousin...Billboard Baggins."


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"Santa canceled the trip. These days, everyone's just giving gift cards."


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"This story on the major events of the year deserves in-depth analysis ... You've got an extra eight seconds."


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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

"Doesn't know his ABC's yet, but he can already ID nearly 20 fast-food chains."

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"I think we're in line for the roller coaster. Or maybe hot dogs. It's still too early to tell."

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"Tell me again about your dot-com glory days. Y'know, back when you were my age."

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"...and someone's been using my cell phone -- and used up all my minutes!"

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"Contestant on a reality show -- and you?"

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"I think it was a fair settlement. I got the house and car. He got custody of the highway we adopted."

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"We offer an interactive dining environment. You order it. I get it. You eat it."

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"Petey's new name is Swampmaster P. And he no longer hops. Now he hip-hops."

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"I happen to be quite proud of the fact that I have no self-esteem, thank you very much."

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"His family's old money."

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"Just put the tattoo where your mom won't see it. It's no big deal. I've done it dozens of times."

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"Mrs. Johnson, my backpack's really full. Can I just fax this home?"

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"Just pretend she's a par four and you're Tiger Woods."

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"Well, you can think whatever you want.
I prefer to think of our bowl as half full."

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"Henry! You aren't making a difference!"

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"My Mom refuses to watch CNN. She says as long as the home shopping channels are still on, she knows everything is OK."

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"You are aware, I hope, that other kids are satisfied with a drink of water."

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"I found out that I'm eligible for paid family leave. So Dear- I'm leaving."

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"I tried those self-whitening toothpastes, but actually it was the dental strips that did the trick for me."

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"All you had to do was press the 'Home' key."

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"Remember when Santa used to talk to children on his lap? Now he just instant messages them on his laptop."

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"Will a current automotive term finally help you understand? Leo, I have zero percent interest in you."

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Friday, April 13, 2007

"Not only have the drug companies merged -- apparently, so have their pills."

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"That's sweet. But I'd rather be a Bachelorette than a Desperate Housewife."

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"Trust me, kid. Learn as many tricks as you can early on."

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"Sorry ... got a frog in my throat."

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"My allergies are killing me!"

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"It's the latest in home entertainment systems!"

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"Of course the groom has cold feet. Everyone here has cold feet."

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"I don't care if it is for I.D. purposes. Mom is going to kill you when she finds out you got a tattoo."

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"This terrifying tale is about escalating health care costs. Or is that toooo scary?"

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"Look, Honey. I admitted I was wrong. I don't have to endure one of your lectures, too, do I?"

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"Instead of going to summer camp this year, we just bought the DVD."

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"I'd love to keep you in the game, son. But your little sister is hitting .750"

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"It's good. And only 40 calories per serving! What I can't figure out is how they managed to fit 12 servings in this little cup."

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"I need two Happy Meals. And one I'm-Not-Happy-About-This-At-All Meal."

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

"That itsy bitsy spider song is cool.
Know where I can download the ringtone?"

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