"Well, what did you think would happen after your 1,000 free hours of Internet time were up?"

"You kids better settle down or I'll turn this car right back around!"

"Looky, Punkin, they cloned a little cat. More kitties! That's what the world needs!"

"After I got the first botox injection, I just couldn't stop."

"I considered hormone replacement therapy. But for me, I decided husband replacement therapy worked much better."

"My husband lived a long, full life. Darn near outlived his student loans."

"A 'spring'? Oh, no, no, no. You're definitely a 'winter.'"

"Believe me, son, we all have something chasing us."

"Are you kidding? I could never have afforded to transfer here without vouchers."

"Sorry. But his constant honking was really getting on my nerves."

"We're researching the effects of capital punishment. One will get a real bullet, and the other will get a placebo."

"At first it was just a disguise, but then I started to like it."

"Give it up Linda. You know he'll never change. He'll always eat nothing but meat until at least his first heart attack."

"Ed, ring my cellphone, willya? My kid buried it somewhere in the sand."

"Don't you have your own reality show?"

"No matter how much we try to ignore it, the race issue will always be there between us."

"Someday, son, all this will be under your own SEC investigation."

"Hey, Mom..."

"Rodney, we think perhaps it's time you graduated from your home schooling."

"I'm referring you to a colleague. He specializes in holistic medicine."

"If you give me control of the remote for the entire World Series, I'll give you 'Gilmore Girls' and two Thursday night shows to be named later."

"C'mon, now. You can be honest. Does this dress make my butt look big?"

"I've read it's a good sign of intelligence for you to have so many imaginary friends, dear. But must they all be Hell's Angels?"

"Forget plague or the Inquisition. I'm tellin' ya, with the world today, it's hard to find anything to be funny about."

"I owe a co-pay?"

"No, this is his cousin...Billboard Baggins."

"Santa canceled the trip. These days, everyone's just giving gift cards."

"This story on the major events of the year deserves in-depth analysis ... You've got an extra eight seconds."