"I don't fingerpaint. But I do collect quality fingerpaintings."

"Healthy snacks instead of candy?! You're fired!"

"It's an audio book report."

"Mom! Can I get drinks for my posse?"

"You kids better settle down or I'll turn this car right back around!"

"Believe me, son, we all have something chasing us."

"Don't you have your own reality show?"

"Someday, son, all this will be under your own SEC investigation."

"Hey, Mom..."

"C'mon, now. You can be honest. Does this dress make my butt look big?"

"I've read it's a good sign of intelligence for you to have so many imaginary friends, dear. But must they all be Hell's Angels?"

"So ... has your generation come up with a name for itself yet?"

"You know what's cool? We're all born with an automatic $5,000 credit limit!"

"Our geography textbook is so old, every day we play 'What's wrong with this picture?'"

"Enough with the Chicken Soup for the Soul. How about some pizza for the son?"

"O.K. - it's nap time. All cell phones off; switch pagers to vibrate."

"May I have your name for our customer database, and would you like a prospectus about our IPO?"

"Before we learn this song, it's important to understand that cutting off the tail of a mouse is never acceptable."

"Did you check to see if all the doors and windows are locked and we have enough in savings for the kids' college education and our retirement and enough insurance for long-term nursing home care and funeral expenses?"

"Mom says thanks for your list -- and here's a list of things you might like to volunteer to do at our house."

"I'll level with you. You only have 106 years to live."

"Can I get a tattoo if I get one that says, 'Mom'?"

"My robotic dog ate my electronic book."

"I'm asleep. What are you doing?"

"Doesn't know his ABC's yet, but he can already ID nearly 20 fast-food chains."

"I happen to be quite proud of the fact that I have no self-esteem, thank you very much."

"Just put the tattoo where your mom won't see it. It's no big deal. I've done it dozens of times."

"Mrs. Johnson, my backpack's really full. Can I just fax this home?"

"Just pretend she's a par four and you're Tiger Woods."

"I think it would be a good idea if you took some time from your Web site to play with your father."

"My Mom refuses to watch CNN. She says as long as the home shopping channels are still on, she knows everything is OK."

"You are aware, I hope, that other kids are satisfied with a drink of water."

"This terrifying tale is about escalating health care costs. Or is that toooo scary?"

"Instead of going to summer camp this year, we just bought the DVD."

"I'd love to keep you in the game, son. But your little sister is hitting .750"

"I need two Happy Meals. And one I'm-Not-Happy-About-This-At-All Meal."

"That itsy bitsy spider song is cool.
Know where I can download the ringtone?"

"We used them when I was about your age. It's called a toy."

"Gosh, Dad, this is just like the Discovery Channel"

"What? I thought I was wearing it backwards."

"'Interactive': That's the word for when nobody wants to deal with you, so they get a machine to do it."

"Everyone else in my class is Shamiqua, Taylor or Ashley. How'd I get stuck with a weirdo name like Mary?"

"Tommy? Tommy's not here? Who knows his pager number?"

"I drew the dragon, Becky drew the knight, and Warren drew the copyright symbol."

"Not now, Billy. Daddy is commuting."